i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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