I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
