My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
