my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
