You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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