drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize