We won't sleep together?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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