It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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