My friends, they love my intelligence
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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