I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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