I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
