if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
