we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize