Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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