ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
