Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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