Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
