I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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