I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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