Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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