what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize