Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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