Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
