two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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