I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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