My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
