Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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