she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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