He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
