My friends, they love my intelligence
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sex in the backyard? Check.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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