tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
