Someone shit on the floor
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
