seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize