I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
