I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
