Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Randomize
