Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
