Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
