somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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