If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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