I could have mohawked her pubes.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
