i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
