I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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