peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
