i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
