She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize