did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
