I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
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