When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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