i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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