can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
