Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
