He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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