it hurts more in the daytime
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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