The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
How naked do you want me to be?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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